Who cares?

Dear Future Self,

I've come to realize that there is a difference between me losing weight and "trying to lose weight."

For a long time, I've felt like I needed to make a big production over my "trying to lose weight" as if the world would care about whether or not I specifically lost some pounds. Every attempt began with a thought that I would lose weight in conjunction with writing a blog. Maybe I'd write some blog posts, share to Facebook, and gain a following. Maybe people would think I'm witty and intelligent and interesting and....like me for me. And maybe the only way I can get people to look at me is to make a big deal over the fact that I am trying to lose 200+ pounds.  

But guess what - no one cares if I lose 200+ pounds. Truly. 

Sure, people might be interested in looking at weight loss photos or tell me that I've done well. They might even share their own weight loss stories. But that's not because they really care whether or not I lose weight.  I think it's a morbid (hah!) curiosity. But that curiosity doesn't last very long - especially when it's not a dramatic loss in a short time. As soon as people weren't as excited about me losing another 2 lbs, knowing that the real money shot of a before and after photo was years away, neither was I. And then I would get bored and discouraged and stop losing weight altogether.

Don't get me wrong, I am desperate to feel better and look better -  But I think that I was directly relating the intensity of my efforts to the intensity of the attention I received from making those efforts.  I need to shift my energy to doing that for me, not doing it for show. 

So here I am, writing in a public blog about weight loss - right?!.  The irony certainly isn't lost on me.

I think that what makes this different for me right now is that I don't really care if this entry is ever read by a single being. My only goal right now is to document my progress and give my future self a little insight as to how I was feeling during the process. Those feelings may come in sporadic posts - or - they may be daily. I don't really know right now. And that's okay. 

I can say that as of this morning, I don't really care if another person on this planet ever knows I'm doing this or thinks that I am great for trying. I don't care about any of that. Today, I care about keeping my meal-prep-at-home streak alive, and having a positive day at work. 

Cheers,

Me