I'm in remission

Dear Future Self,

Yesterday, I had to lead a team meeting which required the purchase of breakfast refreshments. So I picked up yogurt, granola, a veggie tray and old fashioned donuts for my team. I knew it would be difficult for me to partake in said treats, so I made sure to fix myself a good breakfast and lunch before I left the house at 6:15 in the morning.

In addition, the granola and donuts sat in our office, near me, the entire day and the only thing I grazed on was some celery and a few baby carrots. I'm seriously proud of that.

I won't say that I wasn't tempted, but I will say that I felt less tempted.  I knew it would be tasty if I ate it, but I didn't feel compelled to gobble it down. I didn't need it, so I was able to consciously ignore it. Just to note: I've been low carb for 16 days at this point, and I feel like I'm sugar remission.

Sweeter stuff ahead,

Me

Gone Fishin'

This was a productive AND relaxing weekend.  On Saturday, we went to the farmer's market and bought more tomato and pepper plants as well as several days worth of produce.  We got a bunch of spinach and lettuce and zucchini and peppers (sweet and hot). Bill also picked up some cherries - his favorite.

After that, Bill went off to work and I spent the day mowing the grass, tending some plants and cleaning up the patio.  We have a huge Maple tree in our backyard, and I feel like I spend the entire year cleaning up after the tree. It's eternal.

We ended up having  a handful of friends over for some BBQ ribs which we smoke then grill. Bill found some sugar free BBQ sauce to mop on to the ribs which I thought was a really nice gesture.  I was prepared to go without the sauce altogether, but I was able to have some. It wasn't that great, but it wasn't terrible. We also grilled the zucchini we bought from the farmer's market which was AMAZING.

We also had my mother-in-law's potato salad. I usually eat about a 3/4 of a ton of that salad because it's the best potato salad I've ever had. Ever. In my life. Yum. At first, I said I wasn't going to eat any of it, but I waited quite some time, then consciously decided to serve myself up half a cup of it.  It was about 4 small bites. And I savored it. And that's all I needed.  I filled up on zucchini instead. Another thing that I did different at the BBQ was not drink any alcohol.  Everyone else was having their filll of drinks, and I sipped on my ice water. I missed nothing.



Sunday morning, we got up at about 4:30 am and went drove about 45 minutes north to a lake to do some fishing off the beach  We spent a good 5-6 hours relaxing in the sun.  It was the most beautiful day ever.

The early part of the morning was chilly and the sky was perfectly clear, the lake was calm, and it reflected in my mood.  I love this selfie I took of myself sitting lakeside. Just looking at the picture makes me feel chill.

I only caught one fish that I had to release because it was too small, but I'm still learning, and I'm even MORE excited about the fact that next month, we'll be spending a week at the lake and I'm sure I'll be getting a TON of fishing in during that time.

The lake is my solace. The lake is my restart button. And I'm going to make an effort to get there weekly.

Who cares?

Dear Future Self,

I've come to realize that there is a difference between me losing weight and "trying to lose weight."

For a long time, I've felt like I needed to make a big production over my "trying to lose weight" as if the world would care about whether or not I specifically lost some pounds. Every attempt began with a thought that I would lose weight in conjunction with writing a blog. Maybe I'd write some blog posts, share to Facebook, and gain a following. Maybe people would think I'm witty and intelligent and interesting and....like me for me. And maybe the only way I can get people to look at me is to make a big deal over the fact that I am trying to lose 200+ pounds.  

But guess what - no one cares if I lose 200+ pounds. Truly. 

Sure, people might be interested in looking at weight loss photos or tell me that I've done well. They might even share their own weight loss stories. But that's not because they really care whether or not I lose weight.  I think it's a morbid (hah!) curiosity. But that curiosity doesn't last very long - especially when it's not a dramatic loss in a short time. As soon as people weren't as excited about me losing another 2 lbs, knowing that the real money shot of a before and after photo was years away, neither was I. And then I would get bored and discouraged and stop losing weight altogether.

Don't get me wrong, I am desperate to feel better and look better -  But I think that I was directly relating the intensity of my efforts to the intensity of the attention I received from making those efforts.  I need to shift my energy to doing that for me, not doing it for show. 

So here I am, writing in a public blog about weight loss - right?!.  The irony certainly isn't lost on me.

I think that what makes this different for me right now is that I don't really care if this entry is ever read by a single being. My only goal right now is to document my progress and give my future self a little insight as to how I was feeling during the process. Those feelings may come in sporadic posts - or - they may be daily. I don't really know right now. And that's okay. 

I can say that as of this morning, I don't really care if another person on this planet ever knows I'm doing this or thinks that I am great for trying. I don't care about any of that. Today, I care about keeping my meal-prep-at-home streak alive, and having a positive day at work. 

Cheers,

Me

7 Days In

Dear Future Self,

I set a couple of mini goals at the beginning of the week.  One of these goals was to not eat a single thing that I didn't prepare from home with my own two hands.  I did it. I can't remember a time in my adult life where at least one of my meals wasn't eaten from a drive thru or restaurant in a single week. This mini goal was set for two particular purposes: 1. for diet and 2. for my budget goals. I'm really excited to see how much further along I can get my with my debt payoff by staying out of restaurants.

My next mini goal was to keep my carb count at or under 30g Net carbs per day. It took a couple of days to get there, and I can see that I'm still trying to figure out my "typical food" day, but I am working on it.  I will say that my higher carb days at the beginning of the week did include fruit, and I have an admitted weakness for tomatoes.

Date	Carbs (g)	Calories
1-Jun-15	55	1958
2-Jun-15	36	1612
3-Jun-15	28	1608
4-Jun-15	19	2202
5-Jun-15	12	1891
6-Jun-15	27	1322

So what has keeping these goals since Monday morning meant to me?

• I've lost 7 lbs
• I'm sleeping really well
• I don't feel as achy as I have been recently
• I haven't been sick to my stomach at all this week 
• I feel accomplished

Let's see what happens after another 7 days. It's gonna be good.

Me

Not giving up sure isn't easy...

Dear Future Self,

Over the past couple of weeks, several people have asked me about my blogs and when I am going to start writing again.

The answer has been about how tough things are for me right now as far as time goes. The honest truth is that it isn't really about time.  I'm sure I can carve out some of the time I spend playing Candy Crush Soda while simultaneously watching multiple episodes of Scrubs on Netflix to write every day.

The reality is that I don't think I can truly be honest about where I am at personally and work through my struggles via writing because of the personal nature of my issues and the other people involved so I haven't bothered. It's hard to be completely anonymous and also be real.

By not writing, I could continue to not be proactively invested in myself and allow myself to gain more weight and feel like the world is crashing down on me on a daily basis and eventually drown in my own stress. Or, I could work my way through this and come out on the other side a better version of myself who has finally picked up the tools I've learned and used them on my life.

I'd prefer the latter. Even though it will be extremely difficult.

So here's an update to where I start as of the beginning of June, 2015:

From my highest weight, I've lost 55 lbs to date. (This does sound great until I add in the fact that number used to be 113lbs and I've regained half of it). Due to my varying health issues (Insulin Resistant, Pre-Diabetic) I've decided that the best course of lifestyle eating is a ketogenic diet and my goal will be to keep my net carbs under 30g per day (total carbs - dietary fiber. example: today my total carbs were 44g, but my dietary fiber was listed at 17g = 27g net carbs). I'd like the vast majority of those carbs to come from vegetables - not cheese and condiments. The other part of this will be to focus on true measurements of what I'm eating. No estimates.

My exercise program will be DDP Yoga at this point, and then ultimately when I feel my joints can take it, I will re-start training for 5ks again.  I did 2 5k walks in the fall of 2014 and I would like to at least be able to do the same this year.

Finally, my other goal this year - and seemingly the one goal that I have been making progress on this year is working on getting out debt.  I'm working the Dave Ramsey "Baby Steps" and have been able to work off several debts so far. However, Bill and I still have room to become more aggressive as we continue to find where we're wasting our money by tracking every expense and working towards living on budget. I feel good about this.

So, that's where I am today. And I'm still not giving up.


Me

I will never give up

I weigh more than I should, and I exercise less than what is recommended.

I admit that I struggle with committing to a goal and seeing it through. I mess up. I stress out, and I let myself make excuses.

I feel entitled to all of the good things that life can offer without actually enforcing the discipline in my life to make it happen.

I give up easily, I play the victim, and I sometimes like to wallow in my own self pity.

I'm disorganized, messy, and lazy. I have too many "things" and not enough experience.

But I will never, ever, give up wanting to improve my life.




In 2015, I will do my absolute best to make take great strides of improvement in all of the above statements about myself.